This past week, I found myself in an interesting mind-space. Hoarded with deceit from the enemy and a whooooole lot of insecurities suddenly re-surfacing, I began entertaining the thoughts that I knew were only going to continue to feed those insecurities. And in the middle of that, I began creating some extreme expectations for my fiance. I needed him to love me into a healthier space. I needed him to make me remember who I was. I needed him to change me. Maybe I’m the only one that does this, but if ever I fall into that pit, unfortunately, I tend to put pressure on people around me to help me out of it. “You’re not loving me enough!” or “You’re only thinking about yourself!” or “Why aren’t you doing all that you can to make me feel like I’m not the things I’m believing I am?!?!” I look to man in a way that I ought not to.
(This is by no means saying that we should neglect every opportunity to encourage one another in the faith and never act as agents of love, carriers of the messages that remind each other of our heritage in Christ Jesus. What was happening was something the Lord, and only He, could fix within me.)
It wasn’t until I hit chapter 6 of a book I had picked up, “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas, that I realised what had been going on. (And I’m sure this won’t be the only time the good Lord will have to intervene.) I needed God badly, but I had been denying myself time in the word and prayer— precious time with Abba— and instead had been seeking for that type of intimacy in my fiancé, who can’t provide that soul-deep, abundant life type of love. (I think it is necessary for us, by the way, to practice admitting this to ourselves and others often. It truly helps to keep us humble). Whenever he said something in a tone that upset me or felt a little harsh, corrected me, challenged me rightfully, or, man!!!, was straight up being human and responding in the flesh, I’d go to war. This is because I had been starving myself of Jesus and wanted my loved ones to feed me what I needed.
Where Jesus said, “Come to ME(Jesus), all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30, I turned to man. When Jesus said, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to ME (Jesus) shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.” - John 6:35, I hungered after satisfactory responses to my insecurities, and after affirmation from man. Where God says, “For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you." - Isaiah 41:13, I forget WHO is the LORD my God, and I forget who it is that can ultimately help me.
Thankfully, God has not closed His hands to me, nor to you if you can relate. Thankfully, He still bids us come, and his call has not grown weary nor hoarse. Thankfully this is a reminder. Thankfully I was reminded.
The reality is that I need to go to Jesus with my wounds of the past. I need to lay my insecurities at His feet and be reminded of my new identity in Him daily. I have to! Or else they, and I, will only become cumbersome. My fiancé is a gift to my life; a partner with whom I can share things and experiences, but he cannot fix me, nor can he heal me. My friends are amazing too, I can be such an open book with them and accountability abounds with them, but I have to go to Jesus to be made whole! My family love me, but not even a mother’s/ father’s love can be compared to the Lover of my soul! To yearn after fullness from those who themselves are in need of a filling will only result in emptiness. To have the expectation that my loved ones can love me into wholeness is an error. It is giving them an impossible mission: be God to me. But only God can be God to me! And only God has ever been and will continue to be God to me! Only He can fill us so that we too can pour out unto others. Only He can help cure us! Really, only He can help us take the focus off ourselves!
If you’re picking up what I’m putting down, praise the LORD for His goodness! He is still very much available! If you, like myself, have recognized the impossible mission you have tasked people around you with, let Go and let God! Seek Him while He may be found! Call on Him while He is near. Relieve your neighbor by clinging to Jesus so that they too may cling to Him! Beware of the sin of idolatry. Beware that you may be forgetting the LORD your God- your helper! And know that He is wanting you to draw near!
We thank You that You care. You care about our well being— mentally, physically, spiritually, entirely! You care so much and You have not left us without remedy: YOURSELF. Lord, help us to look to You— our help in times of storm, our help, our light. Keep us from placing the pressure on those around us to be You to us. May we not erect idols in the likeness of people around us. Help us to be mindful of the expectations we place on people. Remind us of your power, love, truth, righteousness. Remind us every day, hour, minute, second that You and You alone are God. And continue to equip us to do Your work. Thank You that from Your fullness You have filled us!
In Jesus’ name. Amen.
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